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A faithful presence of love in the absences of our city.

Will You Go?

buried (1)

Justin’s question to the little Christians in the room stuck with me as I listened to the sermon… Will you go? And if you choose to go, what motivates you?

Certainty and control motivate me... So, saying yes to something that involves mystery, faith, trust, and risk...is just really hard for me. What motivates me to go when certainty is not promised and control is out of reach?

Justin used the picture that we get “shipwrecked in the struggle”, and that felt so vivid to me. When something does go wrong, it’s easy for me to get thrown overboard and completely lose my footing. The little stuff, like daily schedule changes or minor let downs, I’m almost willing to accept as part of the process for my sanctification, (...I’m getting there)--like okay yes, Lord, use this setback to help me relinquish control, and trust you more. But when it’s life changing, big time suffering stuff… a steady marriage of 35 years coming to an abrupt and painful end, mourning the loss of children, hearing stories of abuse and realizing the gravity of systemic oppression… I am much less likely to look at that through the “God is good and in control lens”. Honestly, I’m finding the more suffering I witness and walk through, my tendency is to get pretty angry. ‘This is what good and in control looks like?’ I ask God… this sucks. This hurts terribly. This isn’t fair. Why would I go with you anywhere after something like this?

Justin also mentioned that we have expectations about what “good and in control” would look like… we think it’ll be clean… we want it to be clear… when things “work out” the way we hoped and expected, that seems like good and in control. So, when things get blurry and uncertain, my temptation is to doubt the process...which is ultimately doubting the author of this narrative.

If I came across a treasure map at a thrift store, and I picked it up and saw “X marks the spot” after a long, winding, path through unfamiliar territory, I would be foolish to commit to the journey. I don’t know the author or what their purpose was in preparing such a map, I don’t know what the treasure is, or if it would be worth my time...I don’t even know if the map is real.

I think sometimes faith can seem like this from the outside, to people who don’t know God. And if I’m being completely honest, sometimes it feels that foolish to me too. When I’m at a turn in the path that I wasn’t expecting, when I look at the way I had mapped out things in my life to go and realize God’s plan didn’t align with mine in the slightest… and now I’m suffering because of it… I feel scared in the uncertainty. I want to protect myself. I want to grasp for some sort of meaningful control… something certain.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” - Hebrews 10:23

Being willing to go on an adventure with a guide who you’ve entrusted your life to, who promises that you will complete the trek, who tells you exactly what the treasure you’re seeking is worth… and it’s more precious than jewels, even fine jewels...and it’s sweeter than honey, even honey from the honeycomb…. you go. You go without assurance that each step along the trail will be pleasant, or even bearable… but you go with assurance that every step is purposefully authored by your God who is unchanging, faithful, good, and in control. And then you hold fast to that truth. When I find myself grasping for certainty or control, I’m trying to figure out what it means to grasp hold of my Savior, because he who promised is faithful. I don’t really get it...but I think it’s the way through. So I’m praying for help for us to grab hold of the One who is steadfast along the way, as we’re motivated by his faithful love to continue to answer the call, “Will you go?” with a steadfast yes.

~ Emily Leslie