Menu

A faithful presence of love in the absences of our city.

Hand of Protection

Hand of Protection

I shut off my bedside lamp just before I lay down to sleep for the evening, then Zach turns off his also, and as we are both settling down and decompressing, we always have either very philosophical, weighty conversations, or very delirious, extremely silly conversations where we laugh so hard we wake our sleeping baby down the hall. Of the many subjects that have come up during those times, we have spoken of the moment in our early teenage years where we became aware of the humanity of our parents. 

On Sunday as Justin spoke of Ham, Shem, Japhath and Noah, and the parent/child relationship, I was reminded of my rebellious self at ages fifteen through seventeen. My mother refers back to those years as my "dark years". At this point in my life I am not offended by that, because in hindsight she's definitely correct. I was stubborn about getting my own way, by any means necessary. My parents shared custody of my brother and I, and I used that in my favor at times. If I was fighting with my mom and she wasn't allowing me to do what I wanted, I would storm out and pack my things and tell her I was going to live with Dad. I would move in with my dad, and as soon as things got tense or unfavorable for me, I would bounce back to my mom.

As an older child with more understanding of my parents feelings and weaknesses as humans, instead of just viewing them as my authority figures, I understood that they were vulnerable as well, and I manipulated them. I have been like Ham, the cursed son, when Noah is naked in his tent. I revealed my parents' shame instead of turning my head away from it like Shem and Japhath, who were blessed for their acts. I regret being manipulative with my parents, and I could have saved myself heartache and trouble both at home, and socially if I had respectfully obeyed them instead.

I am a parent now of my nearly two year old daughter, and it has been challenging as of late to guide her and help her navigate new things. It is surprising sometimes when I have to set limits and boundaries for her, and she tests them and pushes them. Who would know that you could make a toddler so mad by asking her to eat her breakfast? I only want her to eat it so that it nourishes her and gives her energy for the day, yet she screams that she doesn't want it and wants to get down and play. I ask her not to play on the fireplace so that she doesn't hurt herself on the rough brick, and she cries as if I'm being unfair. As she grows, I know the nature of the boundaries I set for her will change, but they will always be boundaries that protect her and help her.

I spent 2013-2015 as a newlywed, longing to start a family, but instead experiencing infertility, illness and loss. This will always be a point in my life that I learned so much about God's nature and grew closer to Him during tribulation. Those two years I spent fighting God to have my own way, in my own time, when His answer was a resounding "no", instead of trusting that He was good and would bless us with a child when He knew it was meant to happen.

My parents "no's" as a teenager were loving "no's", not because they were being unfair or did not love me. Quite the opposite, actually. Like I delight in my daughter's good, and like my parents delight in mine, God delights in our flourishing, and His authority and boundaries for us are only set because he wants our good for His glory. I wish I had sooner learned that the answer "no" isn't alaways harsh rejection, but more often a gentle hand of protection.

~ Carly Haynes

Leave a Comment

Comments for this post have been disabled.